The month after

It has been a funny month.

I almost lost my job last month due to my personal drama. As you know, I just recently had my Break up, funny thing, this is my second for this year. hell, i never intend to, nor imagined i’ll be having this kind of horoscope for this year. and moving on is a real pain in the ass. And I just don’t know if this is just me or just a coincidence, but im having the same mechanism of moving on for these two.

for the first one. happened to me sometime in march. The ending of a year and 2 month relationship. good thing I just recently discovered wall climbing. i was able to make myself preoccupied with getting fit and making myself better. I remember scaring my brother to death when he saw me staring at the ceiling and my eye looked like the ones in the horror movie. I was not fully moved on when i met this kid, who became my boyfriend after three days. eventually i moved on. or so i thought.

after almost 4 months I had a breakup again, this time with that kid. i would say, this is one painful break up. Simply because this is my first time to be be cheated on. unlike the other break ups, that i was able to move on because i  fell out of love. but with this, it left me hanging. i think that’s what  made it hard. but then thank goodness, I was able to get pass through it. though not fully, of course. I would say the feelings have faded, but my insecurities got worse. then here is the similarity with the break up in march

here is Lloyd. He was my long time crush back in my HP days ( my first ever  job last year). I am really attracted to fair skinned guys, though was not able to get into a relationship with one. as for me, crushes are just crushes. Can’t be in a relationship with one because surely, i’ll just be insecure, i’ll just get jealous all the time. So, yeah. eventually i was wrong.

He messaged me after a year on Facebook. then we became textmates. then we dated. then i found out he was married but he’s not with his wife anymore. and the roller coaster ride begins. after a month of breakup, here i am again. I know I’m not okay inside. there are a lot of things that i needed to fix. Myself. I’m feeling like i lost my identity after three years of being in a relationship. and here i am again, about to get in with one.

This is just one of those days where you know what you have to do and you know that it is right but doesn’t feel like it. i feel secure with him, and i know he is different. it showed in his tears when i tried to push him away. this is one of those days when you have all your friends and family who tell you what to do next but you can’t just listen. because you know in your heart what happiness means and what you need to do to find it. regardless if it’s right or wrong.

let’s laugh

Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.
Paulo Coelho, By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept (via kushandwizdom)

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this is day one.

i was watching “just go with it” on my cell, when i realized i have to take a bath. hell it is 10pm in the evening and i actually forgot to take a shower. it was going on my head all day. im mindfucked. 

i closed and locked my cell when i was caught up in my own picture on my home screen. i was smiling, i was feeling pretty. i feel in love. i feel independent and brave in my red hair dye. this is the first time that i took all my courage to come up with this bold color. i think it looked good on me. there i was starin. she was different than me. a woman, sitting on the floor who almost forgot to even take her shower. a woman so melancholy that she wished she could just have a heart attack, right at this very moment. a woman, so dumb, foolish, hopeless, enamored. she tells her, "kaya mo yan. put on that pretty smile. you know there will come a time that you’ll own it. konting oras nalang. kaya mo pa yan."

i was tricked. i thought true love could actually change everything. ain’t it fun? living in a real world? your the big fish in the pond no more, you’re the one they’re feeding on.

i was cheated way before i knew it. he was chatting with her. asks if she has a bf, because eventhough he have his gf, he said, “she’s easy”. i just died. i wanna poke my eyes out. why did he said that? it was back in may. we were happy back then. what happened. what did i do.

and we talked, agreed that we’d fix this. but there he goes again. it’s just a sad thing, that one can actually say i love you without meaning it. it is depressing.

but then i stared at that girl in my homescreen. she has the brightest smile. i just told myself, well, you know what to do, and you know it’ll get worst. at least this time, you have a gameplan. you are ready. you decided. that’s a step forward. you will get through this. you will find yourself

and your worth again. you’ll climb steep mountains, you’ll win competitions. you’ll get fit. you’ll get better. the only thing that you have to do is decide.

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The throat.

The throat.

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a news from wonderland

this is just a little update about what’s happening in my world.:) guess what: i got a job now! I’m a tech support rep @ stream shaw. but you gotta ask, why technical? to those who know me very well, im not that techy type of person. even i don’t know what i’m doing here hehehehe… but you know, it’s my wonderland! everything crazy and random happens here.

it’s my third week in this company, and we’re undergoing a product training. our trainor is actually a canadian, so it kinda helps me to improve my language skills. 

so, how’s life goin in the batcave?

well, i think i can adjust to my sched. im a night person, so it’s not a hard thing for me. i even get to come in my office early, because it’s just a thirty minute ride and no traffic, (mind you, my shift is 10pm to 6am). during my first days, i tend to get a little sleepy, but fortunately we got free flowing drinks at the pantry so every night is coffee night! as for my co trainees, they’re very cool to be with. being in this industry, i thought it will be more of gays and girls in my team. but guess what… almost 70% of the class are complete straight guys. how could i not think of it? we’re in a technical field, so most likely, we’ll be with I.T students and graduates, and people with tech skills.

most importantly, what i want to share with you guys is this: right now, i’m still not sure about this thing. when i think of it, it seems that i do not belong here. but you know what, when i prayed to God about this, He made me realize the thing that happened in the book of numbers. it’s about the promise of the Lord to the children of israel to come to the promise land. the israelites doubted their faith despite of all the good things that God had brought to them. 

I think God wants me to know that He has a promise for me. (jer. 29:11) and it is not for my harm, but for my prosperity. sure, there will be some struggles and the road will not be that smooth, but surely, He will guide me through it. all that I need to do is trust Him with all of my heart, that He is a big God, who does what He said He will. 

I’ve seen so many things that has a potential to pollute my faith and my dignity in this profession. but I’m glad about it… because it is my chance to get closer with God through prayers. He has GOOD GOOD things in store for me. 

so, here’s the news from my wonderland.